Cytherea, a porn star, was listed as our publisher, though in fact she wasn't.
I wrote as her--reviews, a "letter from the publisher" in the masthead,
responses to reader letters, etc.
1. Letters from Love.
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This man sent mountains of mail. He called himself "Mr. D Love." I loved the lists he sent, and his letters, and also the CDs, collages and decorated folders I received from him--just the whole strange avalanche of it. But my intention here is not to ridicule him, or any of the other letter-writers here. Because I can think of an infinity of way worse, way more destructive, and way more cruel and hateful ways to spend an evening than staying in writing letters to women you've seen in a porn magazine. My intention here is simply to marvel at the endless wonderful weirdness of humanity; porn letters are good for that. Mr. Love would often write horoscopes for the girls he'd seen in the latest issue, including list after list involving zodiac signs, lucky numbers and colors, and more -- lists you might expect to come across in some 70s-era, New Age-y women's magazine. I included one of Love's list-letters here. Out of all the horoscope-type letters he sent, out of all the lists he made, I especially like that center list, what Mr. Love calls "protector special angel names." But actually "Akaiah" and "Mebahiah" and "Kaliel" et. al. don't really sound like "angel" names to me. They sound like "Children of the Corn" names. So you know. Cool weird list. Love wrote regular letters too (as in, letters with no horoscopes or lists). All his letters had the exact same pouring-it-out-in-one-breath quality, with lots and lots of run-on sentences containing multiple variations of the word "sweety," also "hottie" and "angel." Example: "Hi! Dear sweet sexy angel Cytherea, always I'm your best friend and fan lover, all about you I wish to be very close and do all my sweet worship love to you....from the top of your cute sweet angel face, to the bottom of your sweet angel body. But also honey I want to show you all my hottest sweet dreams always I have with always all sweetest, hotties, sexiest, cutest angels from all over the world. I have always sweet appetite delicious obsessions with all hotties angels...." (The letter goes on, reading as if he just slightly rewrote the above sentences...for eleven pages). I should say, too, that deep in one of Mr. Love's letters, I do recall him mentioning (in one of his endless run-ons) that he managed an apartment complex for a living; he also sent a fair amount of snapshots of himself, hanging around in what looked like his own apartment. So I got to see his apartment. Overall, I got the definite feeling, in spite of whatever impression his letters might give, that in his day-to-day life he's really just a "normal" guy with a normal job and a tidy apartment out in Texas, and if he feels deeply driven to write such an outpouring of letters like this, using variations of the phrase "sweetie hottie angel" and sometimes even the words "love" and "lover" and often a lot of stickers and magic markers--if doing so satisfies some deeply private urge of his, then fantastic and I wish more people were similarly afflicted--because like I said there are way more destructive ways to spend one's time than satisying a drive to write letters to strangers calling them angels for ten pages, telling them how totally and completely awesome they are. |
2. Birth of Universe/Robot of God Letter.
With the exception of a single word in English--"robot"--this awesomely elaborate diagram, drawn across two sheets of 8x11 paper, is entirely in Finnish. (I underlined "robot" in blue, below.) Accompanying this diagram were two copies of what appeared to be encyclopedia entries about Finland; those were in English. On each, Helsinki was circled.
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Some
of
this
diagram's
text
is
illegible,
but
what
I
could I
plugged into google translate. And while I know
google-translate can be clunky, I did get some fascinating lines.
Like,
"It was God's 'robot' and the repeated mental level of an elephant" (siina oli jumalan "robot" ja tois
elefantti taso mieli). But
the
excellence
of
this
diagram
goes
far
beyond
one
mention
of
"God's
robot."
The
diagram
also
mentions
a "suction vortex."
Glory to the Body
x 50 m - hardened
... super-creative -
power of story
-
x protectors of
God's original body
And about the religious aspects of the
diagram. The words "jumala" and "jumalan," both of which mean god,
appear throughout the diagram, as does "enkeli" (angel). There is one
mention of the Bible, in the top right-hand corner: Raamatun [illegible] kaikkivaltias alias
jumala on kuin 50 metrin... (Google's translation: "Bible
[illegible] aka the almighly God is like 50 meters..."). With Bible and
angels in the mix, seems likely this writer is in fact referring the
Christian god everytime he uses "jumala" or "jumalan." Still, we're
definitely getting his own take on
said god. And I say that not simply because of the inclusion in the
diagram of a
suction vortex. About that square near the diagram's
center, a close-up of which is due left. The one that reads, "Jumalan
Oma
Häpy." "Jumalan
Oma Häpy" means
"God's Own Cunt." Pretty fantastic. Plus it's underlined, so it's more like "God's
Own
Cunt." Actually the word for cunt is underlined twice. Even more fantastic.
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3. The Oscillations Cold War Space
Exploration Letter. |
nnnn | The writer of this fabulously weird letter wrote "Satan" down as his middle name in the return address. The letter came with no "Dear Cytherea," no "sincerely," in fact no niceties whatsoever--rather, the entire thing is one methodical, mysterious list of lines like, "At 81.000 Pizza 3 Slice Oscillations...." Etc. It goes on for two pages. Close-ups below. Still, in spite of the weirdness, I'm guessing some of these Oscillations offer a glimpse into the writer's everyday life. Like the "Pizza 3 Slice Oscillations." Or the "JC Penny Saturday Oscillations." Etc. The letter was sent in December, hence the "Happy Holidays Oscillations."  But in between this guy's more mundane "Lil Wayne" and "Carbunkle"-type Oscillations (he has several of both of those), I found odd ones I had to look up. In doing so, I definitely wasn't expecting I'd get an education in Cold War-era space exploration/spy/weapons production. And yet I did--to the extent I began feeling like I was in the beginning of some awesome paranoid 70s-era Three Days of the Condor-type thriller. Either that or some terrible early 90s conspiracy thriller starring Julia Roberts. But hopefully the former.  Take "Gagarin Oscillations." Turns out Yuri Gagarin was a Soviet-era cosmonaut, the first human to go into space. And then we have "Korolev Oscillations." Sergei Pavlovich Korolev, according to the New York Times, was the "father of Sputnik." |
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 About "AEC Argonne National Lab Oscillations." Turns out AEC is short for "Atomic Energy Commission." And according to Argonne Lab's website--it has a .gov address--it's "one of the U.S. Department of Energy's oldest and largest national laboratories for science and engineering research." Also according to the site: the AEC assumed "jurisdiction and sponsorship for Argonne" in 1947; in 1956, the "AEC assigns Argonne responsibility for design and development of a low-power nuclear reactor for military use."  About these KH Oscillations. According to the Times, it was the "National Reconnaissance Office" that created the KH-8 (and all the other KH's for that matter). They were/are spy satellites--part of "America's top satellite reconaissance programs." And just recently, the KH-7 and KH-8 satellites were declassified "25 years after their top secret Cold War missions ended." (I actually had no idea there was a National Reconnaissance Office until looking up KH cameras...) And about this National Reconnaissance Office, from a Times article dated 1992: "Since its establishment on Aug. 25, 1960, after an American U-2 spy plane was shot down over the Soviet Union, the reconnaissance office has been one of the Government's most secretive agencies." From this same article: "Among the reconnaissance office's crown jewels are the KH-11 satellites equipped with telescopes and cameras that produce clear pictures of cars, trucks and even people from orbits hundreds of miles high, intelligence analysts say."  "Project Mercury" was the United States' first manned space program, lasting from 1959-1963. "CIA Brigade 2506" refers to "Brigade 2506," the group of CIA-sponsored Cuban exiles who carried out the Bay of Pigs. Also, we have "Rocket Weighing 189 Metric Tons," "Rocket Weighing 165 Metric Tons," "Enormous Solar Reflectors, and "Liquid Oxygen" Oscillations...  Then there was the above Oscillation. Paired with "TRW," the name Dan McClain stands out; it's considerably more current than any of the other aerospace-related names mentioned in this letter. From a press release online: "REDONDO BEACH, Calif.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Jan. 20, 1995--TRW Space & Electronics Group Friday announced the appointment of Daniel J. McClain as its director of communications." Intriguing.  I'm including the above Oscillation because I feel it may be the Rosetta Stone of this entire letter. I was unable to figure just who this Lativan Engineer was. So if anyone out there happens to know.... |
4.
The
Human
Body
is
Magnificent
Letter. |
mm | This guy! I was having a shit day when I got this letter. (The letter is long, 12 pages; it's just an excerpt here.) I was totally charmed by all his exclamation marks and "sweety's" and "honey's." Judging by how effectively this letter cheered me up, I think some area of my brain must have tricked itself into believing this was somehow actually written to "me." For real. But if course it wasn't. I love that he wrote "the human body is magnificent." Throughout the course of the letter, the writer does wind up describing various sexual fantasies in considerable detail, as most letters do. What sets him apart, though, is his super-fun exclamation-point vibe and the fact he always returns to the topic of health. And longevity!! Like for example -- it's a fact honey that black men genetically speaking are the most energetic men on earth! He wrote that!! And he also wrote that if he could he would lay me down and make kinky nasty love to me!! And then after that he'd take me out and make me eat a lot of healthy food, like fruits, vegetables, fish and lots of garlic!! Plus he has a tongue that's almost five inches long!!! Sweety I measured my whole tongue, back to front!!! |
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